Frustrated
by teres-i
Summary: Some thoughts of Andy and Sullivan after that...unsatisfactory finale.
1. Chapter 1

So this is my first story ever. Fanfictions are lifestyle, you know? You would have no fun without projecting your desperations on fictional characters. Please don't judge my poor life...And big thank you to my amazing inspiration, you know you are the best.

* * *

Frustrated. I felt so damn frustrated. It wasn't suppose to be like that. Chief wasn't supposed to be dead, Ryan wasn't suppose to be in different city and moving on and I surly wasn't suppose to be kissing my captain. But they did. I did. Damn. It is not easy to cope with firefighter's death. Especially with death of your chief, of your friend's love and also your friend, sort of. Well, we weren't exactly friends. But we _knew_. We knew what it feels like to run towards the burning house and not to know, if you will come back. I guess this knowledge makes us all friends. Or at least it makes us understand each other in some way. Ryan was the one who didn't understand. I mean, he did, he understand that our job is no joke and his either. But he didn't _know_. And I think that was the problem. That was the reason of us being on and off all over again. Because it was not just him. It was me either. I am a firefighter, he is a cop. And as other firefighters know, cops know in a way no other can. And now he is gone and I am here alone, doing stupid things. Like kissing my boss. Like wishing to do that again. Damn. When you think about it, it so weird that neither of us died in the fire yet. Don't get me wrong, I am so glad it haven't happened yet. But think about the odds. We run into burning buildings almost every day. Or climb cliffs, saving people. Falling into ravines counts. Yeah, that was fun. I suppose to be dead. He suppose to be on a wheelchair. But we made it out alive and whole. Our patient wasn't that lucky. I always thank God that I survived. But now I wish I was dead, buried five feet in the ground. I feel so dumb. No, no dumb. I feel so embarrassed. I kissed my boss and he – he kissed me back, pushed me into the wall, kissed my neck, undo my belt, touched me under my shirt and then he sent me away. Like nothing happened. Like it was a mistake. Like I was a mistake. You know, I would never think about him that way, unless Maya pointed it out after the funeral. And it hit me hard. Truck into the wall hard. So it is Mayas' fault. If she wouldn't be secretly shagging Jack all the time, I would have a friend to talk to. Except I would not talk about it with anyone. You are not allowed to like your boss. Or have any feelings of this sort for them.

Do I have a feelings towards him? Oh yeah, he is my friend. Or was? Or is? Now I don't know. But I know that I'll kick his pretty ass, when I see him next time. I like to hold a grudge against people who made me angry. When he came to the nineteen, we "disliked" each other. I was a bitch to him, I can say. But he wasn't any better. His assets here, assets there, drove us crazy. Some big guy comes to our family and throws orders around. No way, man. So at first he was pain in the ass. Later he became simply our captain, when we got used to each other. At this moment, weird things started to happen. Like when he once or twice called me by my name. Of course I did notice, he never called me by my name before. But I was too in the middle of our classical Andy/Maya drama to think about it. That was the time I called him out. I know I shouldn't yell, but not only he was picking on my best friend, but he was embarrassing us in front of our chief. So he deserved it. Same as I deserved that absolute nerve wrecking day after that. And when I thought it was my last minutes as a lieutenant, he asked me out. Out. Like "for a coffee with a friend" out. But we are definitely not friends. And that was the time I started to notice. Like the super awkward coffee the following morning. Oh my god, I am so angry with him. Damn him. And damn that stupid aid car accident. When we were stuck in the car on the side, all I could think about was him not being injured, because I wasn't sure I could do it on my own. My head hurt so bad, my ribs were cracked and I was dizzy. So when he said my name, I felt so relieved. But only for a second.

When you are a firefighter, people often believe, that you don't fear anything. But you do. Or at least I do. I am afraid every time we run into burning building. Not only you are putting yourself in danger, but the amount of people you love and could lose is frightening. So yes, in the aid car I was afraid like I've never been before. Our victim was bleeding and I couldn't help her much, Sullivan was paralyzed and I probably had just concussion, but I could be easily bleeding into my freaking brain and that would be our end. So I did the best I could in that moment.

When Sullivan told me that he is afraid that he will never walk again, he had tears in his eyes. And I _knew_. I felt it with him. I felt his pain and it hurt me more than my broken ribs. And I decided that I won't let that happened. So I did the most irresponsible, but only thing that could save our asses. And it worked out. We were safe and alive. Almost all of us. Shannon gave up. And the I gave up. I wanted cry my eyes out, to lay on the ground and die. But somehow I needed to be strong, because he needed me to be. So I stood up and after my father checked me out, I helped others with Shannon and Sullivan. I held his hand on the way to the hospital. I cried, he did too. In that moment I felt connected to him. Like I was responsible for him now. After all, I suggested to drive to the hospital despite the dispatch recommendation. So I felt like it was my fault, that he was injured. And that Shannon died. Oh god, I don't even want to think about that stupid medal of honor. I didn't deserve it and I still don't.

We became friends, after that. We ate together and work out together. Because he didn't have anyone else. And to be honest, I felt like I was alone too. All squad, they were amazing, caring and everything, but no one was there with us. And the whole bright spot thing? Oh god, that was something. When I look at it now, I think my heart skipped two beats. One because of how it hit me and the other because of how he looked at me. Something in me moved and I was helpless. And the morning in the gym, seeing him in his loose shirt made me want to lose my shirt. And my pants. But instead, I lost my dignity not even a half on hour ago. Damn again.

But all of those feeling I realised after that Mayas' stupid comment of how she saw some things. Things that wasn't even a things before. Things that wasn't suppose to be things at all. So what, I held his hand, when no one else would. I touched his shoulder, because it is natural reaction to someone who is grieving. He was literally waiting for death of his best friend. I had to do something. Everyone was there for Vic, but non of them was there for him. His wife was dead, his best friend too and I was afraid he would close up again, after all the effort I put into making him open up to me a little. All of this weren't _things_. So no, Maya, you guessed wrong. You made me thing that it all meant something and it got me so confused, that I almost slept with him. I almost slept with my boss. Oh god, I want to die. Immediately. And I want to take him with me, so he would burn in hell for all those feelings he made me feel. For his thrilling touches and whispers. Why did he even kissed me back, when he clearly wasn't on the same page. But wasn't he? According to his tight pants he did enjoy it. A lot, I can say. He was willing participant, so why should _I _feel bad about all of that? If anything, I should make him feel bad too. Yes, yes, I know that I'm no saint, I have a certain history with some guys. But non of them made me feel used. If anything, maybe there could be a chance that they may feel used by me. A little bit. Oh no, don't go there Andy, you are not like that. And you know what? That dumbass took my belt. My belt that I need and want back. How he dared to take it from my pants and not go all the way? You don't pull out belt and stop. But he did and now I walk for half an hour, I am cold, I am angry and I want to cry. I want to go back and yell and scream at him, how he dared to kick me out. How he dared to touch me the way he did and kick me out? Oh man, he made me so angry. I need to go back and tell him. Tell him how he hurt me and that he cannot do such things to me.

And so I turned and went back to the station. As angry and hurt as I can be.

* * *

Damn. Damn, damn, damn. My stupid damned leg. I so screwed up. Big time. But I couldn't let her see me like that again. I broke in front of her once and I couldn't let myself to do that again. So I did probably the stupidest thing I could. I told her to go, even though all I wanted was a complete opposite. I wanted her to stay, to take her clothes off and love her. But my leg has an opposite opinion. And my head. I feel guilty, because I am not allowed to kiss my lieutenants. I feel guilty, because I cheated on my wife. I know she is not here anymore, but I just find it hard to convince myself otherwise. But I find it even harder to resist _her._ What a change, huh? I never thought I would be able to look at another woman. Claire was so kind, loving, beautiful, gentle and all those amazing things you can find in another human being. _She_ is something else, tough. Fierce, challenging, maddening and annoying. So stubborn, arrogant and – brave, strong, dedicated and unbelievably beautiful. To cope with her every day is not easy. Professionally and personally. Professionally because she is still a little bit angry with her not being a captain. Personally, because every time I see her I want to do unspeakable things to her. For the start, the unspeakable thing was simply eating with the crew. Then it moved to talking about things other than work, personal things, like feelings about stuff. After that came those "friend talks". And then came the morning in the gym and all of _those_ unspeakable things popped up in my mind. Just like that, without a warning. It was hard. If you know what I mean. But it made me think about my life. Am I happy the way I am? Certainly not, but I am safe and that is what I was going for. Safe is good, safe don't get you hurt. Or people around you. But now I think about things that could hurt me, her and people around us. But god, is it so tempting.

Simply looking at her every day at work was enough for a few weeks. Talking to her was something precious to me, because no one else wanted to talk to me. Well, maybe I didn't want to talk to them. But she didn't care, what I wanted. She wanted to talk and she did. Like always she got what she wanted. And I gladly gave up. But when I experienced her touch, things started to go fast. I know she touched me when I was motionless in the aid car and so, but that is not what I mean. She held my hand on the way to the hospital, she held my hand all the time I desperately tried to stay strong. But as I said, she didn't care that I wanted to look like I can handle things. Because I couldn't. Nevertheless, those touches I have in mind came later. Like when she accidentally brushed her fingers with mine, when I handed her the wine bottle. When we were at the gym and she needed me to help her to stretch her leg. First I didn't think of it much, but now I have a feeling that maybe it wasn't as innocent, as I thought. But I was willing participant in all of those touches. I always found some reason to touch her, even if it was a slight feathery finger brush.

But then Ripley died and she seemed occupied with Victoria. She is her friend, so it was completely understandable. But somehow I wished that I had a friend on my side too. And yeah, I wanted her to be that friend. But in the sudden she was there, looking at me and holding my hand and for that I am eternally grateful, because with that simple touch she washed away that desperate fear of being alone again. Even when me and Luke still hadn't been on the good terms, I hoped that maybe I could open up to him again, when Andy showed me that it isn't that hard.

Andy. I like her name. I liked it from the start, even when I didn't like her. It suits her. And in occasion, I let it slip because I liked how it sounded. And I think she caught me on this one. But I don't mind, because she didn't say anything about that. And now I call her Andy all the time because she is my friend. But I don't call her by her name when others are around. It is too intimate, I guess. But you should not feel intimate saying your friend's name. Except when you say your friend's name when you are holding her pinned underneath you in bed. Then it is intimate. Not that anything like that happened. Well, at least anywhere but in my head. My head does a lot of this annoying things lately. Like when we went for the hydrant inspections, my head started to think what it would be like to stop the car in some lonely alley. Or when I tried to write speech for Luke's funeral, my mind wandered into completely inappropriate places and situations that included lack of clothes, hair out of ponytail and lots and lots of callings to god. I was trying to write an eulogy, for god's sake. I felt like I was drowning in all those happy and sad feelings.

Drowning, yes. Like in that pool in LA, except we weren't drowning, we were almost cooked in hot water. And somehow I remained calm, when she came into full panic mode. I tried to calm her down and I touched her face. But I think that made her panic even more because she rushed back to the surface not knowing if it was safe already. And when we were standing in front of each other, me ready to apologize for scaring her like that, she kissed me. Completely out of nothing she kissed me. And I gladly gave up once again.

I'm not new to this kind of stuff, but with her I felt like sixteen again. I couldn't hold back long enough, I wanted more and I wanted it right away. As did she, when she willingly let me take her belt off. Kissing her neck made me feel weak in my knees. But now I don't doubt that it wasn't kissing her that made me feel weak. I mean yes, it was, but in the good kind of feeling weak. This was the stupid injury that ruined everything. When she pushed me down on the bed I already saw us naked and heavy, but as soon as she pulled away to get the door locked, my leg gave up. My stupid leg let me down. And my mind started to race. I am her boss, I am too old for her, I am injured, I cheat on my wife, I am using her, I like her too much to hurt her. And so I hurt her even more. I told her to go and it wasn't the smart move, because if you leave out the hurt thing, now I can't move and I can't go to the hospital. And I don't want to call anyone, because I really don't want to explain, why I am half naked and someone's belt is on the floor. Damn, damn, damn. I wish I was dead, because anything is better than this awful situation. And I don't even want to think about our now destroyed friendship, the only thing that kept me going this last few days.

But you are not suppose to wish this kind of things, because you can jinx it. And now, with furious Andy bursting through the door, hurt and anger beaming from her face directed right at me, now I wish I was dead.


	2. Chapter 2

_Here we go guys, second part is much more fun!_

* * *

I was furious. So angry that I didn't even bother to look if he is still at the station and just burst through the door. I felt betrayed and I needed to let him know how stupid he was. Oh my god I was ready to give him hell.

When I rushed into the captain's bunk, the first thing that caught my mind was my belt still lying on the floor. Second thing was Sullivan lying on the bed, looking at me with fear in his eyes. In my mind, I prepared a whole speech on how he screwed up, but suddenly my mind went blank and I couldn't speak. I couldn't even breathe. So I was standing there and he was lying on the bed and a moment went by. Than another. We were looking at each other until he was the one to speak.

"Andy, I–" he said my name with so much emotions, that I almost forgot why I was here in the first place.

"Don't ever call me like that again." I barked at him. "How dare you to say my name like that, after you told me to go?"

"I am sorry, I wanted to explain–" I interrupted him again. "Oh, you wanted to explain? So why you didn't do that when I was standing here, so confused with your stupid behaviour? Can you even imagine, how embarrassed I feel right now? But I guess it is on me, that we kissed. But why did you for god's sake kissed me back, when you clearly didn't want to?"

"Yes, I wanted to explain, but when I saw your hurt face I didn't want to make it worse than it already was. God Andy, I am not supposed to kiss my inferiors, no matter how much I want to."

"So now I am an inferior to you, huh? And I thought that just maybe you could consider me a friend after our pretty little vacation in the aid car." Ouch, that hurt. I went little bit too far.

"Andy please, I know you are angry and you have every right to be, but if you could just –"

"No, no I couldn't. I tried really hard to be there for you and again, I know I screwed up when I kissed you, but you should have stop me and tell me that you are not interested. I still would be embarrassed, but I would understand. But instead, you almost took off my clothes, let me take off yours and then sent me away? Just like that. I thought we were friends. But I guess we could blame it on the recent lack of friends of yours, because otherwise you would know that you simply don't mess up with friends, lead them on and let them down. And I told you not to call me Andy."

Those words were ugly. They came out of my mouth before I even realized what I was about to say. And as they echoed across the room I instantly regretted I said them. It wasn't fair to him. My anger started to wear off. But not enough for me to calm down completely. So what, I said something bad but he did something much worse. What was bugging me that he was so calm, like my words didn't even hit home. And I aimed pretty good, I think. He was lying there, looking at me and he was quiet. He should be mad at me for what I told him. Or at least because I was disrespectful to my superior. This messed with my temper again. I expected a big fight, but instead I was making fool of myself again. That is not what I planned.

"So now you changed your mind again and don't want to explain? Why are you not angry with me? I am disrespectful to my captain, so you should at least punish me for that." Oh men, that sounded dirty due to our previous…activities. But I was just trying to push him a little bit. And it worked. Suddenly he moved on the bed and I thought he's gonna stand up but then he didn't, like he changed his mind. Instead he sat on the bed in such a weird position half up half down. Like if the situation wasn't weird enough.

"I want to explain but you don't let me. I know you are angry and you want to hurt me, but I hurt you more and I deserve it. All of it. And don't think that I didn't want you to kiss me. If anything, please do not think that I didn't want it. But now I –" I interrupted him again.

"Now what? So you wanted that before, but now you don't? Am I that bad kisser?" This was so childish, I know. But my temper started to reach its peak.

"Oh my god Andy, why are you –"

"Don't call me Andy, I told you before." I was almost yelling.

"Please Andy, could you –" Now he raised his voice too. So here we go, let the fight begin.

"Don't call me Andy. And why are you still here anyway? Are you waiting for another stupid girl? And why the hell are you still on the bed when –" Now he was the one who interrupted me.

"Andy I can't move my legs. That is why I sent you away before."

Well, fuck.

* * *

She was staring at me with a shock. Her big brown doe eyes wide and mouth slightly open. I could almost see her anger disappear. For such a small person she could get very angry. And when the anger is pointed at you, you cannot escape. Not that I would be able to escape anyway. I was trapped on the bed half lying, she was furiously yelling at me and the only thing I could think about was how much I wanted to stand up and calm her down. Even if it meant to shove her under the cold water, just for her to start listen to me. But that wasn't necessary anymore, I had her full attention now.

"What did you say?" She asked, like if she overheard what I said.

"I can't move my legs. Or leg, I mean. I think I hurt it when I kicked the door in L.A, right before we jumped into the pool. I felt a slight pain before, but there was no time to think about it, but when we came home and you, well, pushed me on the bed, I lost all feelings in it."

"You are saying that it is my fault?" She looked terrified. Does she think that this is her fault?

"No, no Andy, this is not your fault, definitely not." She still didn't look convinced. But at least she wasn't angry anymore. Even though I would prefer her being angry, because seeing pain in her eyes was much worse, then her yelling at me.

"Why didn't you tell me right away? I would do something, drive you to the hospital, or call Warren –"

"Because you already did more than enough. You are the one who helps me all the time and for once I didn't want to be a burden." That was true. Andy was always there, but I never did. I never asked her how _she_ was, after the aid car. We never talked about _her_ feelings after Lucas died. And I never asked her about her friends, hobbies and all this kind of things she asked me all the time.

"That is the stupidest thing that was said today. And a lot of stupid things has been said. I am your friend, I wouldn't leave you here, no matter how angry or embarrassed I was."

"I know Andy. But I felt like you wouldn't –" she interrupted me again.

"Like I wouldn't what? You think that I wouldn't stay here? I didn't know you think so little of me." And she was angry again. Damn, my subtle ways aren't that subtle as I thought.

"Of course I don't think little of you. Opposite actually. What I meant was that I didn't want you to think I am weak. Because judging by the looks of it, I am the weakest person here. You are so strong you are brave and I am embarrassed that I am not. Or at least not anymore. Since the aid car things went down and now I still feel trapped in the need of help from everyone." Now her anger switched place with absolute disbelief. When Claire was here, I always knew what she had in mind. But with Andy, I am confused. As she is now, apparently.

"Ok, I take back what I said before. This is the most stupid things of all. What makes you think I am stronger than you? Because I managed to climb the hill when you were _paralyzed_ from the waist down? That was no bravery, that was what I had to do. You would do the same. If anything, you were the one that kept me sane throughout the whole thing. You talked to me, kept me awake and stopped me when there was no help left for Shannon. And in the pool, when I panicked, you kept me safe. So don't think you are weak. Because that is not true." Was she really saying, that it was my doing, that we survived the aid car? Now my face beamed with disbelief.

"And why are we even talking about this, when we should be on the way to the hospital? Let's go, I'll help you –" I almost laugh at her.

"How do you imagine getting me into the car? I have six feet, Andy."

"I did it once, I don't see the reason not to do it again. And I do it all the time in the field." She looked almost offended that I didn't think that she would be able to get me off this bed.

"That's adrenalin speaking, you know that. And don't worry, I know you are strong, but you are too small. I don't want to go to the hospital anyway."

"Is there any competition in saying stupid stuff?" I should've see that coming. I chuckled.

"If there was, I would be the winner. But no, I think that I will be okay. I feel my leg tingle. That is a good sign. I want to wait for the leg to feel better" before she started to protest, I added "– and then you can take me to the hospital."

"Fine, but I don't agree, just so you know." Oh I knew, but I was glad that we weren't fighting about this too.

"So what are we gonna do now? Do you want me to leave?" She asked carefully.

"I don't want you to feel like you have to stay just because of my leg. I know you are still angry. And I definitely respect that." I really did, I didn't want her to feel obliged to stay.

"No, I want to stay. And I am still angry, you were right. Maybe even more angry, because you didn't tell me you were hurt. But it doesn't matter now." She said and sat on the table with legs folded under her. I almost told her to lay on the bed with me.

"Why it doesn't matter?" I asked instead.

"Well, it doesn't matter, because now we have much bigger problem, than me being angry with you. It can wait, you know. I don't want it to be an unfair fight, when you can't move. I want us to be equal, so when I jump at you, you should be able to defend yourself." Now I started to laugh for real. Image of angry Andy trying to fight me was hilarious. But it quickly moved into different image. You can guess, huh. My smile faded quickly.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I knew I wanted to, but I wasn't sure she did.

"I don't know, are you gonna lecture me about how kissing captains is out of the line? If it's that, I'll pass."

"I don't want to lecture you. If anyone should be lectured, it's me. Just as you are not allowed to kiss your captains, I am not allowed to kiss my lieutenants. Or think about it." I wasn't sure, she noticed what I said, because she looked deep in thoughts. We sat in silence for a while. I was watching her, how she played with her shoelace. Her small frame looked even smaller, when she sat on the table. How is it possible, that this fragile looking woman was such a number? She could be huge pain in the ass if she wanted. Childish, angry and vindictive. But her kindness, strength and dedication evens out every bad feature. And despite that they are generally bad features, I liked them about her. I liked all about her.

"I am sorry about what I said to you. I didn't want to hurt you…well, maybe a little, sorry." She said suddenly.

"Non of what you said could've hurt me the way you wished, because it was all true. It is true. I was alone for a long time and when you gave me the opportunity, I wasted it. I was selfish, you know? I didn't care for anyone but myself. Because it is safe not to care. It was easier to be mad at Luke, at Claire. When I came back to Seattle and you showed me that caring isn't that bad I started to like it. But somehow on the way I forgot that relationships of all kinds have two sides. That you have to also give. And I just took from you. You did all the hard work and I just throw it away." It was so easy to tell her those things. And when I said them, my chest became a little lighter. But even if telling her was easy, looking at her was not. I didn't dare to turn my head to her, so I kept staring into the ceiling. I was afraid of what I might see.

"It is not true, you helped me too. You showed me how to be a better firefighter. Kept my ego in the line." She laughed at her own words. "And without you, I would never be able to keep us alive in the aid car. That is more than I could ask for."

"Well, you got medal of honour, I am sure it wasn't just my doing." I joked.

"Huh, stupid medal of honour. I never deserved it anyway." The way she said it made me think.

"Andy, why do I feel like you think that the accident was your fault?" I didn't believe that she would actually felt like that, but I needed to ask. And now she was the one quietly staring into the ceiling. After a few minutes of silence she spoke.

"Because it was. I should've waited for the clearing from the dispatch. And because I was scared and wanted to get hell out of there, I hurried my decision. You could've been paralyzed and it would be my fault, because I wasn't able to get us out of there sooner. And Shannon died. She didn't have to. We made it out alive, but your leg is numb now, again because of me." She blinked to fight off tears from her eyes.

"If I remember well, I agreed with you not to wait for the dispatch. I am not paralyzed and my leg isn't numb because of you, but those stupid doors I tried to kick out. Shannon died. But you did everything you could to prevent it. And you were absolutely amazing. So you deserve every medal in the word for it." I meant everything I said. The fact that Shannon died…you just have to make peace with things sometimes. And being a firefighter, you often deal with death. And even more often with unnecessary death. But every person I wasn't able to save just made me want to be better next time. At least that works for me.

We let those words sink in. We sat in silence, both in our own thoughts.

"Can I ask you something?" Andy asked carefully. I was curious so I just nodded.

"Are you scared? When you run into fire?" She looked like she expected me to fire her immediately because of this question. But I was surprised.

"I don't know, I never thought about it. No one never asked me before."

"I am, you know. Every time I am scared that that's the one time things will go wrong."

"When I worked with Luke, I've never been afraid. We pushed each other and sometimes we overdid it, but I was never scared. After we went our separate ways, I didn't have anyone I would be worried about like that. Until now, of course." I wasn't a friendly person after all that happened. So yes, it would be terrible to lost a colleague, but I cannot compare how terrible it would be now.

"You are worried about us?"

"I am. I am worried that we could lost Maya, because I would miss the competition she brings in the station. I don't want to lose Travis, because I know how devastating it would be for Huges, same goes other way around. Ben is our best medic and I like to box with him, even though I think he isn't that much into it." She laughed at that note. "I would hate to lose Jack, he is great lieutenant and him and Dean makes great team. They help each other out and that's good. And I don't want to lose you because–" Here I stopped. I didn't know what to say next. That I don't want to lose her, because she was my only friend? Because she was the best firefighter in squad? Because she was the most beautiful woman I ever seen? Because I wouldn't be no longer able to imagine her naked, sitting on my lap and calling my name? Instead I would see her dead body on the ground? No way.

Like if she was able to read my mind, she asked:

"You wanted to kiss me too, am I right?" Her eyes looked like she knew she was right. It was clear to me that this was my only chance,

"Yeah, I did. I still want to."

* * *

_Sooo, should I stay or should I go? Do you want more, or this is decent ending? Let me know!_


	3. Chapter 3

_So here we go guys. I really don't like this, but I couldn't think of anything better. Let me know your thoughts, don't keep them to yourself!_

* * *

His words echoed in my head for a while. I know he said before, that he wanted to kiss me, but I needed clear answer to a clear question. But somehow I hit me more than I anticipated.

"How long?" I asked. I wanted to know if it was just in heat of a moment.

"For a while now. I don't know exactly how long, but…" His eyes were wondering everywhere, but they were avoiding mine.

"Look at me, please." And so he did. His eyes were honest, hurt and loving. I guess I wasn't ready for that. Bud nor did he. We knew each other for quite a short time, but we clicked. Well, it took a while for us, but we became friends. Not best friends, not even good friends I would say. But we were getting closer every time we spent together. There are several kinds of friendships. Those that evolve naturally, like me and Ryan. Those that evolve from having a common enemy, like me and Maya when we were at training. And those that are made of loss, fear and overcoming obstacles. For me, this is the most bonding kind. You will never forget some things even when you wish you would. I will never forget aid car or pool. So I will never forget who was there with me. Our friendship wasn't the closest, but definitely was the deepest at some levels. Those feelings which comes with it are strong and I think they could be easily mistaken with some _other_ feelings. I didn't know, if this was the case. I really didn't and that was frustrating. And he certainly didn't know too.

"I don't know either, don't worry." I tried to sooth him. But I don't think it helped.

"I want to kiss you and I know it is a bad idea. But at the same time, I don't know any better idea than kissing you. I know it is messed up, but I don't know how to cope with all this." This didn't help me at all. I was hoping that he would have at least some idea, how to solve this damned situation.

"You are the captain, you are suppose to know how to manage things." He laughed at my silly comment.

"Yeah, but I don't think captains are trained for this kind of situations. But you are my lieutenant and I can put you in charge, so…what do you suggest?" Huh, playing dirty, I wouldn't expect that.

"Well, I suggest that we should take a look at your leg and then decide what to do next." I didn't think I was ready to have _that _kind of conversation. I needed to sort things in my head first. And his leg would give me some time.

"I still feel it tingle, but nothing changed yet."

"I don't know, I'd rather take you to hospital. Can you at least move your toes?" I helped him sat on the bed and to take off his shoe and sock. He tried to wiggle his fingers and they moved. Just a little bit, but that was a good sign.

"Just let's wait a little bit more, if I could at least stand on both feet. And don't worry please, I don't like to seeing you like that." He probably saw my disapproval. But you can't judge me, we were there before and it didn't go well.

We sat in silence. I didn't know, how long have we been there, but it felt like hours. When we came back from L.A, I was so tired but sleep was the last thing on my mind now. I had so many questions. Questions I didn't want to know the answers to. His kisses were amazing and made me want more. How do I know, if it was really something, or just some crush based on recent events we've been through? I have been in love before. Or at least I think I was. Maybe not. I had feelings for Jack, but they were more of a "very close and very sexy friend" kind of feelings. Also the danger and adrenalin makes a lot. Steamy sex in locker room isn't steamy without a little danger behind it. And my relationship with Ryan was destroyed, because it was just a natural conclusion, that we end up together. We know each other for ages. But some friendships are destined to be just friendships. And I think we destroyed ours, because sleeping together was such a bad idea. And I know he liked me a lot, but retrospectively I think that his feelings were more of feelings to his sister. Now combine those two and we have Sullivan. I absolutely don't doubt the sex part. Adrenalin, secrecy and danger. But I am afraid that my feelings aren't anything more than strong connection to someone who you survived life threatening situation with. Twice. And every day in the field is dangerous enough. I regret how we messed up with Ryan and I don't want it to happen again.

"Have you ever been in love?" The second I asked him, I had to roll my eyes on that question. "Of course you were, that was stupid question, forget it."

"No, it is not stupid." He smiled at me. "It's just that I am not used to talk about feelings. I actually hate to talk about them, usually. But you made me do stupid things before, so why not. Yes, I loved Claire very much. I still do, in some way. Have you? Been in love, I mean."

"I don't know. I think I was in love with little Jimmy at kindergarten, but he promised me forever and somehow it didn't happen. So I am afraid I've never been in love. But I don't know, maybe I was."

"So that means you weren't. You would know that you are in love when you really are."

"What if you feel strong affection to someone, but you are not sure what it is?" I tested the waters. Do you know the feeling like you want to ask something, but really don't want to? And you can't keep your mouth shut, even though you are afraid of what you may hear? Well, this was the case.

"Than you have to wait and see. But I would say that if you feel strong affection which was invoked by something…unusual, that it doesn't have to necessarily be platonic. It may grow into something more than affection." I don't think it made me feel better. Actually I felt like inexperienced teenager whose father is trying to explain to her all the traps of life. But he wasn't anything like that and his deep honest look was telling me something entirely different. His eyes burned into mine and I couldn't hold it any longer.

"I didn't think much of it for a few weeks, but as time went by and you were out of hospital and physical therapy, I started to…I don't know. We became closer and I think it left me confused. And then Maya said that she saw things and that made me think even more." Oh god, what was I doing? I practically confessed from having feelings for him. Just thinking these things made my cheeks burn more than a wildfire. I jumped down from the table and started pacing around. I tried to distract myself from my thoughts and was ready to ask about his leg again, when suddenly his hand reached to mine and he pulled me down on the bed next to him. I didn't even have time to protest.

"I've never seen you blush before." He smiled at me again. Damn his stupid nice smiles. He doesn't smile a lot, but when he does it's really honest and deep. I smiled back, hoping it would lightened the situation. My fingers tingled crazy from his touch.

"I never blush. It is hot in here."

"Yes, it is."

"Then we maybe should turn off the heat."

"Yes, we should." And then he kissed me.

* * *

Her lips were soft and sweet. I touched her cheek. She was holding my wrist. Her teeth softly scratched my lower lip and I was lost. I am not sure I even listened to everything she was saying, because all I wanted to do was kiss her. When she was talking about her feelings and I realized, that maybe she felt the same, I needed to know. But her warm breath pushed all my thoughts out of the window. She opened her mouth little bit more and I took it as an invitation. My other hand started to wander. On her leg, then her waist and on the small of her back. I pulled her shirt up and her hot skin burned into my hand. She quietly moaned at my touch and it almost sent me off. It seemed that my touch encouraged her to want more. But when she leaned closer to me, short sharp pain shot through my leg. I hissed and she leaned back.

"What happened, is it your leg?" She asked with worry in her eyes, switching into work mode immediately.

"Yes, I think it starts come to itself. I can feel it now. Guess it was stuck nerve."

"But we should go to the hospital anyway." She was right. I needed to get it checked, just to be sure. Desk duty wasn't something I would be looking for, even though it probably won't pass me by. "Sure, but can we sit for a little bit more?"

"Why? I can help you stand and you promised that–" she started to protest.

"No it's not that, I just need more time to …you know." I pointed down.

"Oh, yes, sure." She blushed again. I liked when she did that. I liked that I made her to do that.

"I am sorry I made you, uh…uncomfortable." Her cheeks were literally burning and I couldn't help but I had to laugh. She looked so embarrassed, but not like before, when she thought I didn't want her, but like fifteen year old girl on her first date.

"I don't think I mind, so you don't have to apologize." She looked like she was about to die right on the spot.

"I am glad you are having fun." She shot a glare in my direction and the mood become heavier again.

"When you talked about feelings of affection and that you are confused, I knew what you had in mind. I feel the same. After the accident, I started to like you in the most inappropriate way possible for me. I was telling myself that I can't have those feelings, because I am your captain and mostly because you wouldn't be interested anyway. And that I may be misplacing something for something that isn't real. And after Claire, I tend to be careful, when it comes to women. But then Ripley called me and offered me place here. You wouldn't believe that he lured me to work with the famous Captain Herrera. I heard many stories about him, but I had no idea about his hell of a daughter." I smiled at her and she rolled her eyes. "Don't roll your eyes, you gave me hell the few first weeks."

"Oh, don't act like you didn't deserve it."

"I'm definitely not saying that. But you didn't make it easy for me, you have to admit that." I laughed at her and brushed my fingers with hers.

"Since the accident I want to kiss you but I know what happened with Vic and Luke. I didn't want to destroy the only friendship I had in years. It was far too valuable to me." Now, after I know how it feels to kiss her, my values flew out of the window.

"You didn't destroy anything. I want to kiss you too. I want more than to kiss you. I want everything. But after what happened with Vic and chief, I am too afraid to start something." It hurt me to hear her words. But as much it hurt I knew she was right. If Luke was still alive, he and Huges would be in so much troubles. One would have to transfer and there would be consequences. But they would stand their ground, they were daring and ready to risk it, because their love was real and strong. Or I hope it was. Me and Andy on the other hand, we were a mess. I was still getting my life back and Andy was too precious to me to want such a risk from her. I don't doubt that she would go and do everything in her power to make things work, but it is me who I don't trust enough. I didn't want her to count on me. It was the most selfish thing of me, but I just needed to keep at least someone safe from me.

"I know what you think. And I don't want you to think that. You won't hurt me. I am stronger than you think."

"I know you are. That's why I like you, Andy."

"And that's why I'll help you stand and get you to the hospital. I see your little problem already vanished, so we are clear to go." I saw determination in her eyes. She knew. She knew we are facing something that may be great but also a great disaster. She looked me in the eyes and we made a silent agreement.

"Fine, let's go." I started to raise myself from the bed, but she stopped me.

"If this is what I think it is, I want you to kiss me once more. Even if it's for the last time." Her eyes were bright and I couldn't look into them for too long. So I kissed her with every bit of passion I felt towards her. She pushed herself against me and I just held her. Then the main doors opened and a few guys from B shift came to the station. She pulled herself from me and closed her eyes.

"Let's go, we have some doctors who need to see that leg of yours." Her hand reached for mine and she smiled at me. "You still need the only willing workout buddy and how you want to work out without moving?" I smiled back at her, caught her hand and hoped that things will get fine soon.

* * *

_I apologize fot the leg crap, but I am too lazy to actually search for the real stuff. And who cares about some medical accuracy anyway, when we have Andy and Sully, yay! So what do you think? Should I write more stories? This is the last chapter and I have some more things on my mind._


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